Shared by a girl (7-27-2007)
I was picked on all through school. It got really bad when this jerk named Dan started at the school in 5th grade. He called me a dog pretty much on a daily basis. He, of course, got his friends to do it, too. I was very unpopular.

From me on the same day:

If you don't mind, I have a few questions for you.

1. Was Dan in your same class?

She responds: Dan was in the same class as me.

2. Do you recall the first time he ever called you a dog? How did you react? In other words, did you cry, pout or mope, tell a teacher, call him a name back, hit him, or what?

She responds: I don't remember exactly when he called me dog first. I probably got really mad and yelled at him. Teacher was a joke because his father was on the school board.

3. Had anybody ever called you that name before Dan came to your school or did he initiate this practice?

She responds: I don't remember being called dog before him. Generally I was known as a crybaby. I have bipolar disorder so I would get mad and cry really easily.

4. How many friends did he have who also started calling you that name?

She responds: It was a lot. The core group of friends was less than 10. It was a really small school.

5. Did you have friends you were able to hang out with, who did make you feel good about yourself?

She responds: Yes, I had a few friends.

6. Did the teacher or teachers ever try to intervene?

She responds: Again, no. I'm sure it was because he was a star athlete and his dad was on the school board.

7. Did you ever go see a guidance counselor about this or tell your parents?

She responds: I told my parents. They said to ignore him. I tried to speak to the counselor in high school but this was a huge mistake. The counselor was also the vice principal and completely evil. Because Dan's father was on the board, Dan had immunity. I think complaining cost me annual staff and a cheerleading slot my senior year.

8. Did they ever call you other names or just a dog?

She responds: Yes. He hit me a couple of times, and I was called the b-word.

Thank you for responding to my questions. I am so sorry you went through such a tough time in school. It definitely sounds like you were in an unfair situation since this Dan was the son of a person in power.

I do hope your life is going great now. I know, at least in my case, life only gets better as you get older and hopefully wiser. Take care of yourself!
Best Wishes to you, 3Cs (My forum user name)

Shared by a man when he was 24 (8-1-2007)
I've mentioned my days of getting bullied on this site before...but I've never really gone into serious detail about it until now:

I'm 24 and a boy. When I was in 1st grade (1990 - 1991), some 3rd graders picked me out of the bunch to bully around...I'm not sure exactly why, but I guess it was because I was bad at playing sports, and anyone who was bad at sports was automatically labeled as a "loser" at my school. They would seek me out during recess and usually call me names, push me around, etc. Sometimes, they would punch and kick me and throw me down to the ground. I never got any black eyes or bloody noses...but they still would hurt me enough to get me to cry. I once came back into class from recess, crying my head off...and the teacher just looked at me with her arms crossed and said something like, "Well, don't look at me! Learn to grow a backbone!" My parents finally talked to the principal about it. All she did was have a talk with the boys. Didn't even call their parents. That didn't get them to stop at all. Shortly after she talked to them...they followed me into the bathroom one day and beat me up. They said if I told anyone about it, they would beat me up worse then ever before, and promised to stop picking on me if I kept my mouth shut. Just a couple days later...they were after me again on the playground. This time I tried to defend myself. I started picking up rocks off the ground and throwing them at the kids. They quickly ran and got a teacher and told her I just started throwing the rocks at them for no reason. When I tried to tell her the kids were trying to beat me up, she didn't believe me...because it was my word against 3 kids. The teacher took me to see the principal who told me that the only reason the kids were trying to beat me up, was because I was trying to "provoke" them. I couldn't believe it, she was actually defending the bullies! She was on their side! She told me to just "ignore" them. Yeah, that was easy for her to say. My teacher would do nothing about it, and the principal would do nothing about it. My parents pulled me out of that school after the year was over.

I got bullied a little bit in 3rd and 5th grade too...but nothing like how I did in 1st grade.

From me on the same day:

Thank you so much for sharing your story. As an ex-school teacher of 14 years, I can’t even begin to imagine how the teachers and principal would not take your side or intervene. I’m so glad your parents had the good sense to take you out of that school.

I worked really hard to get a Peer Mediation program started at the middle school where I taught until my former school was able to hire a second guidance counselor. Then they were able to take the program over. Also, the two guidance counselors were really good to help students in trouble.

I can somewhat understand how it is hard for teachers to step forward to help all the students in middle school, as they are usually busy trying to grade the papers of the 150 or so kids they teach a day. I can’t at all understand how an elementary school teacher, who usually only has one class of up to 35 kids, would not take the time or have the sense of caring to intervene. Just telling a kid to ignore bullies who are causing physical harm is inexcusable! I am really sorry you had to go through such a rough time.
Best Wishes to you, 3Cs (My forum user name)

Shared by an 18-year-old guy (8-4-2007)
I got punched in the face by a girl. She was really short but she was no joke. I forgot what i said to get her mad but she punched the heck outta me. I aint gonna lie. I cried. It hurt!

From me on the same day:

Thank you for sharing. A few questions for you, please:

1. Are you a boy or a girl?

He responds: I’m a guy.

2. What grade were you in when this bully situation happened?

He responds: I was in the 5th grade.

3. What did the bully say or do that got you upset?

He responds: I don’t remember what I said; but whatever it was, it must of been bad for her to punch me in the face.

4. Was the bully a boy or a girl? What grade was he or she in?

He responds: It was a girl. We were in the same grade.

5. How did you respond? Did you cry, run away, call them a name back, hit them, tell a teacher or parent, or what?

He responds: I cried when everybody left and when I was alone.

6. Where did this bully situation take place? In the classroom, cafeteria, gym, playground, hallway, bathroom, or where?

He responds: We were out on the blacktop in the morning.

7. Were there any teachers around at the time? Did they see? Did they respond? Did they help?

He responds: Nope. No teachers were around at all.

8. If there were no teachers around, did you report to a teacher what happened? What about your parent or guardian? Did either or both of them do anything to help you?

He responds: Nah, I didn’t report it. I was like ‘Eh, whatever,’ a day after it happened. I’m really passive.

9. Did the bully do anything to bother you again or was it just that one time? If they did bother you again, what did they do this time and all the other times?

He responds: Nah, i think she liked me though. She tried to kiss me that summer.

10. How do you respond each time?

He responds: I didn’t really do anything.

11. Has the bully ever apologized?

He responds: I think she did. If she didn’t, eh it’s ok.

12. Do you do anything to self-mentor yourself in an effort to make yourself feel better such as remember to take deep, calming breaths, give yourself a pep talk, confide in a family member, guidance counselor, friend, or someone else whom you trust, write in a journal, distract yourself with an enjoyable activity, etc?

He responds: I played videogames and drew stuff. I used to draw a lot. I still do sometimes. I came up with my own cartoon style by drawing so muc. I might post a picture up one of these days.

Thank you so much for giving me such complete answers. I really appreciate you! Have a great day!

Best Wishes to you,
3Cs (My forum user name)

Shared by a grown man about when he was young and about a situation with his children (8-1-2007)
I was bullied all through elementary. I lived in a housing project, and was just "that" kid. It was so bad, that the bus driver would hold the kids back, so I could get a running head start. It didn't really stop until I was thirteen, and my Mom moved us out.

I do believe in karma though. Most of those kids turned out to be huge losers, who still live in the same projects. Whereas, I have done much better for myself. I have two awesome kids. A great wife. A pretty good job. Served my country for the last thirteen years, been to combat, and I'm going to answer the call again.

In my conscience mind, those kids who tormented me, are not even worth my notice, but they still reside in my sub-conscience. I am very protective of my son. He is fourteen now, but is a lot smaller then most of the kids his age. Just as I was. I have worked very hard to build up his self-esteem through the years, because I feel that when it's low, it makes you a target. I know the bullying is still with me because, one day a few years ago, I was shopping at a local Wal-Mart. One of the kids from my past came up to me out of the blue, and just apologized for how everybody treated me growing up. I told him not to worry about it, but had to go out to my car because I started getting really upset. Whenever I see this guy now, I go out of my way to ask him how he is doing. I figure anybody with the courage to apologize like that, deserves my respect.

I wrote on the same day:

Thank you so much for sharing your story! That was a wonderful bit of closure you experienced at Wal-Mart with that one bully who not only acknowledged his wrong-doing, but also apologized for it.

A few questions for you, please:

1. Can you tell me any specifics of bullying-type behavior that particular boy did?

He responds: It was more his older brother than him. He was OK on his own, but would join in as a group. Mostly I would get in fights. A group of kids would circle me, and I would have to fight one or more kids. If it was one kid and I won, I would have to pay for it later, usually by being ganged up on by his friends/siblings.

Can you remember the first time he bullied you?

He responds: I was bullied from 2nd grade until 7th, when I moved away.

What grade were you in at the time? What grade was he in?

He responds: He was a year younger than me. It varied with the other kids ages.

What did he do?

He responds: Mostly taunt, I don't remember ever fighting him, but there were so many fights, that I can't be sure.

How did you react?

He responds: Normally try and run to my apartment.

How many years did he carry on bullying you? Did you always have the same reaction? Can you remember the last time he bullied you? Was moving away the only way it stopped?

He responds: The rest answered above.

2. What kind of things have you tried to build up your fourteen-year-old son’s self-esteem?

He responds: I let him know what a great kid he is. I have always let him know that, although he is small now, he will grow. I didn't catch up to the other kids till my Jr. year in high school. I also let him know that bullies are all cowards, and he isn't, so he is better than them. Honor is something we value above all, in our house.

3. When did you learn this self-esteem and how?

He responds: Over time, I have often had to remind myself what kind of person I am. I have always wanted my children to just "know" what kind of person they are. If they have always had good self-esteem, and confidence, they won't have to always remind themselves.

4. Has either of your children been bullied? If so, please share or have them share.

He responds: My son has been picked on only a few times over the years. He is very honest and has a great sense of humor, so he is very popular amongst his peers. A group of kids tried to gang up on him and my daughter a few months back, but they stood up to them together and never had another problem with that group.

I said: Thank you so much for all your help! I think your story will be very inspiring for other people to read as it gives a feeling of hope.

He continued with a story about his children being bullied:

(This is from what they had told me.) There was a group of five to seven kids who would look to gang up on single children as they walked home from school. My daughter, who is ten, was walking a little bit ahead of my son. A toy key chain that was attached to her backpack had fallen off, and my son picked it up. The toy was an Oompa Lompa from "Willy Wonka." My son yelled to my daughter that she had dropped her "Oompa Lompa". At that point, this gang of kids approached my son, and demanded to know why he was yelling racial slurs at them. He said he hadn't and told them to "Get out of his face."

The gang had him surrounded, and were just a few inches from his face. My son felt threatened, and pushed a boy away from him. They all started to punch and kick him at this point. My daughter, having turned around to see this, ran back to the gang of kids and started pulling kids forcibly off my son. When they were able, they ran to a crossing guard.

The next day I followed my kids home, and witnessed the same gang of kids, picking on a boy whom I was told was learning disabled. Another parent broke it up, and the gang walked away. I also talked to the crossing guard and he told me it happens everyday. I went to the school principal, and the kids were told not to walk home in their gang. There were no more problems for the rest of the school year.

My children's mother and I had different views about what took place. She felt that my son must have said something to the gang of kids, because why would they have approached him? She also felt that he was wrong for pushing one of the boys first. To her, violence is never the answer. I felt that I knew my son well enough to know that he would never shout insults to anyone, especially a larger group of kids. I was proud of him for taking action when he felt threatened, and I felt proud of my daughter for also standing up to a greater number of kids to help her brother. To me controlled violence is sometimes the answer. I grew up with violence and picked a job where the employment of violence is necessary, but I am not a violent person. I have always raised my children that they are to do whatever is necessary to protect themselves, and each other.

My children's mother thinks that because of the way I grew up and my insecurities, that I project that view on my kids. I agree to a point, but don't think that is a bad thing. I think I have learned some hard lessons in life, and I wouldn't be a good father if I didn't pass these lessons on to my children.

I said: Thank you for sharing that great story about your kids! That is wonderful that your children worked hard to protect each other like that.

I am a person who believes that violence is not the answer; however, I also don’t think a kid should just stand there and be a total punching bag. If possible, it is good to use humor or your words in such a way to handle the situation. Of course, that is much easier to do when it is a one-on-one situation. When you are facing more than one kid, that mob mentality takes over. In the case of your kids, they probably had little other choice at the time. Perhaps at a future time, they could have tried to approach each child when they were on their own and reason with them.

In any case, I’m so glad that those kids were kept from traveling in a pack. You not only co-created a wonderful solution for your kids and that kid with learning disabilities, you also helped those kids who had been part of that group. It is very possible that each of them, in their private moments, had felt like the situation was spiraling out of their control. I bet in their heart of hearts, they were grateful to be able to “blame” the adults for being prevented from continuing their course of violence. It is so much easier to use the adults as their “fall guy” rather than having the courage to state that I don’t want to be part of this gang any longer because I feel what we are doing is wrong.

Thank you again for working hard to be part of the solution rather than the problem when it comes to bullying-type situations.

Best Wishes to you and your family, 3Cs (My forum user name)

From a 27-year-old pediatrics nurse about her experiences with bullies when she was a child and teenager: (7-31-2007)
From about 2nd grade till 9th grade I was picked on. It was like I had this big huge bulls eye on my back or something- I know I was socially awkward to begin with; I tend to be able to relate to Ralph Wiggum [sic - from the Simpsons] a LOT (except my nose doesn't make it's own bubble gum!) I was chubby (later developed an eating disorder) had braces, had a wild imagination (still do!) cried during fire drills, and...well yeah I was weird, but you know I could have just used a friend.

In fact my senior year we had to write a paper on who we are, and what made us who we are, and I told them straight out. The nice thing was that ha ha, one of my former bullies was in that class. So there was a lot of direct eye contact as I told them about what it feels like to have crayons thrown at you, to have people pull chairs out from under you, to have your lunch taken away and thrown in the toilet. I also added that it HURTS when someone punches you in the stomach for no reason, and it's a pain in the butt when someone breaks into your locker and pours red nail polish all over your stuff and steals your walkman. It's a JOY to ride the bus home holding back sobs until you get to your grandma’s house... all I wanted to know was "WHY" why was I such a disease? I know kids can be cruel, but what causes that pleasure in someone, to see another human being curled up with the wind knocked out of them? Is that power so important? Did I pose some sort of threat to them? I fail to see that: they were thin, pretty and popular. I was chunky, quiet and generally tried to mind my own beeswax.

But that wasn't enough I guess...funny someone can write so much about a subject that they're pretty much over now.

Further details from her:

I was an awkward, socially inept, extremely shy and chubby girl. I had only 2 "friends".

In fifth grade on a couple of occasions I'd have my lunch taken from me, thrown in the toilet and had my head held about 2 inches from it by a couple of girls who figured a fatty like me didn't really need to eat.

I also had my locker broken into (circa 6th grade) had my walkman stolen, my money stolen, and then had fingernail polish and some other really gross something or other dumped all over my book bag and other stuff.

I was in a class in 5th grade one time and I noticed all the kids reading a note that was folded into an envelope, grinning and taking something from it...about 3 minutes later I started feeling things hitting me in the head; crayons, scissors, pencils...yeah. Later I saw in the trash, the note "Throw these at Gina". Ho ho ho...good one, guys.

I cried easily- I wasn't the brightest bulb, and I was also low income, so the clothes I wore weren't the sharpest. I guess I was asking for it. I had my lunches stolen, my clothes drawn on, I was literally kicked and punched for no reason and pretty much the list goes on.

My response to her on 7/31/07:
There is no way you were asking for it! Nobody deserves to be treated that way. I am so sorry that you had to go through that.

On 8-1-2007, I asked some follow-up questions. She shared her answers on the same day.

1. Are you still in school? If so, what year? If not, are you a grown-up now?

She responds: I'm 27 now and work in pediatrics as a nurse now. I worked in child care for awhile too. School Age, ironically.

2. Did you ever try to tell a teacher or guidance counselor or parent about the unfair treatment you were receiving? If so, were they able to help in any way?

She responds: Yup I tried to tell my parents who basically told me "kids can be mean...just ignore them..." I told teachers: "Oh kids can be so mean can't they? I'm going to refer you to a counselor..." (Because according to them I was a "special case" and "troubled, and at risk" "Challenged") I got put into a "friendship group" with a lot of people from Title 1 (because I was bad at math) and these were kids who were genuinely troubled. One girl started her bathroom on fire, the other kids were molested and abused... other than that I was TERRIFIED to tell anyone because they'd kill me and my cat (my best friend)

3. Have you figured out any strategies that help you deal with that type behavior?

She responds: The only thing I could do to make it better was to retreat into my own little world. I can thank them for allowing me to develop my creativity, and become a writer. On the darker side however, when I transferred out of the Open School, back to a Catholic school, I carried my weirdness like a disease. I ended up just withdrawing, and skulking in corners, writing really dark poetry, and thinking about suicide. I admit that I also indulged myself in thoughts of harming those who hurt me. Not Columbine style shooting sprees, but more like voodoo, curses and the like. I just quit trying.

I don't know at what point between 8th and 9th grade the switch happened. I began to just embrace my strangeness. Retreated into further into my own world. Expanded my art (jewelry making, painting, drawing, writing, theater). Dunnow. Just got better.

4. How are you doing now? Much, much better, I hope.

She responds: I'm still very shy and socially awkward. My husband had kind of the same times. I'm pretty happy, and I hope my kids are freaks too. I hope they don't aspire to be popular, or accepted. I learned from High School (where I was still a loner, outside of the Theater crowd) that the cool kids, the pretty people were VERY messed up little kiddoes.

What can I say, God Bless the Freaks.

I responded on same day:

Thank you so much for sharing. I remember my switch happened at the beginning of 7th grade. I went to a Junior High (grades 7-9). My 6th grade year of my K-6 school was my only popular year. The criteria was to have a boyfriend. For some reason, the cutest boy in the 6th grade chose me as his girlfriend even though I was only okay-looking at the time. He liked it that I was nice to everybody. We broke up in the spring of 6th grade due to a very subtle-type bully telling me a false rumor that he had put me down. I fell for it and ended the relationship. I wasn’t so nice in the way I did it. I never apologized and we never spoke again. Since he went to a different junior high, that was the end of any chance of a reconciliation later on.

At the Junior High, I decided that the price of being popular just wasn’t worth it. You had to have big breasts (I was flat as a pancake) and you had to gossip and be real mean to other kids. I made the decision there and then that I was not going to be a groupie but dance to the beat of my own drum, so to speak. My best friend became my diary who I called “Dear Anna.” Having learned that crying only brought out the worst in those who got off on bullying and also feeling like people would only like you if you were smiling and laughing, I made certain that no one was ever going to see me look sad. I was always smiling and laughing, no matter what was going on inside my head. I kept up this façade all through junior high. The only problem was that it got to the point where I wasn’t sure who was this shield I put around me and who was the real me.

I too joined the Drama crowd in high school. I was thrilled that I actually got the lead in two plays, two years in the row, and won the role over a really popular girl from my elementary school, junior high, and high school years. That made me feel quite vindicated.

I went far away to college and really blossomed at that time, in every way. There have been ups and downs since then, but all in all, my life has gotten better and better through the years.

I have an absolute passion for Conflict Resolution and even taught those techniques to middle school students for five years (1998 to 2003) until they had a budget cut for all special programs. The book that I am writing will hopefully teach kids to be more assertive rather than passive or aggressive when faced with bullying-type behavior. I hope it will help build higher self-esteem. I long to contribute to the solution of kids everywhere being bully free. We each have to do our part. Your story and the stories of the other people on this forum who responded to my request will all be a great help as different readers will respond to and resonate with different experiences.

By the way, in case anybody is wondering, Those were the 3 focuses of my former class: Conflict Resolution, Character Education, & Communication Skills.

Good luck with your pediatrics nursing career. Thank you again for your help.

Best Wishes to you and yours always,
3Cs (My forum user name)